“Ask a Therapist: Will My Grief Ever Get Better, and Is It Okay to Find Joy Again?”
Question:
I’m wondering how long I will have to endure this deep pain of loss. Will it ever get better? It’s nearing a year since the loss of my best friend, my brother, and I am still cycling through waves of grief. Is it okay to even think about having better days? I feel guilty as I try to enjoy small, simple moments, while also having really, really bad days where I am just exhausted and lock myself in my bedroom for days. I feel alone and like I have to explain myself to everyone. It’s draining. Am I normal?
Response:
Thank you for your raw and honest reflections on your experience. Grief is a profoundly personal journey, and it can be a continuous process of change over time. My hope for you is that you can navigate this journey with the support you need, finding solace in the enduring bond you have with your brother. Here are some reflections to support you through this process:
Your Relationship with Grief:
Your Grief is Yours. Your relationship to your grief is uniquely your own. Only you can define and navigate your process in a way that feels right for you.
Grief is Unique. Each person experiences grief differently. There is no “right” way to grieve, and it’s completely okay to experience waves of intense emotions as you process your loss.
Grief Comes in Waves. It’s normal to have days that are better and others that are more challenging. This fluctuation is a natural part of the grief process, characterized by a push and pull between loss and healing. These shifts can be exhausting, both mentally and physically, as you manage the balance between your loss and everyday life.
Surrender, Being, and Doing
Grief is not a destination but a journey. The process involves continually accepting, processing, and finding meaning. The interplay of being with grief, doing with grief, and surrendering to it can be overlapping and ongoing.
Managing feelings of guilt and moments of pleasure can be challenging, but it’s important to recognize that both are valid. Emotions will shift in intensity and form, but the enduring nature of love—past, present, and future—can serve as an anchor for you.
Navigating the Journey of Grief
Grief is a universal experience; we all encounter it at some point. We can choose to walk through grief or avoid it, and it’s not necessary to judge our path. What matters is acknowledging where you are and how your relationship with grief is affecting you. As therapists, we aim to honor your process and support your continued connection with the person who held such a significant place in your life.
Grief Counseling:
Grief counseling can be very beneficial. The ambiguity that follows the loss of a loved one can challenge assumptions about safety, trust, and future relationships. A therapist can help you navigate these complexities, offering a safe space to express your feelings and explore your experience with professional care. A grief therapist will listen attentively, validate your emotions without judgment, encourage social support, and provide guidance without resorting to clichés.
Support Groups:
Joining a support group for those who have experienced similar losses can help you feel less isolated and provide a sense of community and understanding.
Self-Care:
Taking care of your physical and mental health is crucial. This includes getting enough rest, eating well, and engaging in activities that bring you comfort or joy. Writing about your feelings and experiences can be a powerful way to process grief. Creative expressions, such as art, music, or poetry, can also offer an outlet for your emotions.
Continuing Bonds:
Remembering Your Loved One: Finding ways to honor and remember your brother can be healing. This might include creating a memorial, participating in activities you enjoyed together, talking to him, wearing his clothing, or keeping his memory alive through stories and photos.
It’s Okay to Seek Joy Through Your Bond: Allowing yourself to experience joy does not mean you are forgetting or dishonoring your loved one. It is a way to honor the life they would want you to live.
Final Thoughts:
Grief is a deeply personal journey with no fixed timeline or “normal” way to experience it. Seeking support when needed and practicing self-compassion are integral parts of the process. If you ever feel overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to seek clinical help to guide you through your grief.