How to Stop the Cycles of Self-Sabotage
Hello, I would like to ask about some concerns I’m dealing with related to procrastination. I try to set various self-improvement goals, such as becoming more consistent in my relationships, challenging myself to be more engaged and productive at work, trying a new hobby, or attempting to lose weight, but I find myself slipping back into old habits. I’m not sure if I can get out of this rut. Can you help me understand why and what I can do to change?
Response: Thank you for your honest and open sharing. You’re not alone in this, and there is hope for the changes you seek. Here are some suggestions to help you strategize a plan to break the cycles you described.
Self-Sabotage is a Real Thing. We all have desires in our lives—whether it’s to lose excess weight, gain a promotion, build enriching relationships, or embark on new adventures with excitement. Yet, despite our best efforts to move toward these goals, we often find ourselves standing in our own way. To understand the roots of self-sabotage, we must explore key concepts of human behavior and gain insight into what might be short-circuiting our ability to reach our full potential.
“Approach and Avoidance” Cycles: Self-sabotaging behaviors often create repetitive cycles, where short-term relief or avoidance leads to long-term negative consequences, which in turn reinforces the initial problem. There are both positive and negative aspects associated with the goals we set. We constantly face a tug-of-war between the desire to achieve rewards and the urge to avoid threats. Our biology is programmed to strive for goals because achieving them makes us feel good. However, we often struggle to differentiate between the positive feelings we experience when moving toward our goals and the ‘good’ feelings we get from avoiding something that seems threatening. For more information on this, please refer to Dr. Judy Ho’s book, “Stop Self-Sabotage.”
Therapy Can Be Most Useful: Self-sabotage can manifest in various forms, such as procrastination, perfectionism, substance abuse, self-harm, or avoiding responsibilities and opportunities for personal growth. Given the range and severity of these behaviors, the clinical support of a therapist can be highly beneficial. Therapists can help address the root causes of self-sabotage by identifying and working through the following:
– Negative thought patterns that lead to catastrophic thinking or irrational fears
– A low self-concept of self that exacerbates self-doubt
– Emotional drivers such as shame, anxiety, or guilt
– Internalized beliefs like “I am not good enough” or “I am unlovable”
– An excessive need for control that makes it difficult to enjoy activities or adapt to changes
Establishing a New Cycle: Once you identify and address how self-sabotaging factors have affected your life, you can work on changing negative associations to form new, positive ones. This will help distance yourself from core negative beliefs and fears, reducing their impact on your life.
Know Your Self-Sabotaging Triggers: Negative thoughts and self-sabotage triggers can be sneaky and difficult to detect. It’s important to recognize that these triggers often come as automatic thoughts that are easily accepted because they are familiar. They are rapid and fleeting, resurfacing repeatedly and influencing your behavior.
Filter Thoughts: Remember, not all thoughts are created equal. You can distance yourself from thoughts by stating, “I am having a thought” rather than owning every thought that comes to mind. You don’t have to believe every thought you have.
Examine the Evidence: Ask yourself: “What is the evidence that this thought is true?” Is the thought complete? Does it provide a balanced view of the event or situation? Are there important elements missing? If the thought is partially true or sometimes true, are there exceptions?
Modify Your Thoughts: By accepting more accurate thoughts and dismissing irrational ones, you can neutralize your triggers and stop self-sabotage in its tracks. Sometimes, taking an opposing position can help test the validity of a thought and lead to a more balanced and realistic alternative.
Engage in Gratitude Journaling: After engaging in the exercises above, end your practice by reflecting on what you are grateful for regarding your progress. Consider positive interpretations of yourself and the world around you. Also, you can reflect on what you are thankful for, such as supportive people in your life, moments that have made you smile, laugh, or brought enjoyment into your life today.
Thank you for raising this important question. It’s essential to remember that overcoming self-sabotage is a gradual process but attainable. By using these tools and interventions, along with the support of a therapist, you can break self-sabotaging cycles and reach your full potential.